I came of age sexually at the start of the 1970s. These were the sexual salad days of a generation, in that rose-coloured window between the appearance of the pill and the onslaught of HIV.

I was 16 when I started college. Along with an Indian bedspread, a plug-in teapot and a copy of On the Road, the trappings of my new life included the pill, dispensed like candy at the local clinic. Abortions, too, were easily available. At the campus clinic, doctors and nurses treated nuisances such as crabs and genital warts without a trace of moral judgment.

And so we did it whenever, wherever, with whomever; the act’s justification rarely more compelling than a shared dance, or conking out after a party in a house in which the people happened to outnumber the beds.

The human sex drive is complicated (duh). It is closely tied with mental processes, both biologically and by association within our culture, that we often forget how simple hormonal or physical “problems with the plumbing,” as it were, can mess things up.

There are hundreds of reasons that one person might be sexually attracted to another person but not physically and/or mentally aroused. One of the most infuriating is timing. Simply put, one person might be horny and the other might not be. Despite mutual attraction and no chronic problems, two people might just not sync up due to their schedules. It is a problem.

Of course, given our culture’s weird mystification of sexuality and romance, we then proceed to make an already frustrating situation far worse.

In 2007, Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, both psychology professors at the University of Texas at Austin, published a joint research paper on human sexuality titled “Why Humans Have Sex.” The answers of their study’s female participants—love, revenge, boredom, etc.—so interested Meston and Buss that they decided to conduct additional research, this time dedicated to women’s sexuality specifically. In the book “Why Women Have Sex,” there’s still plenty of love, revenge, and boredom, but they’re presented as pieces of a puzzle that we’re only now starting to assemble.

What are the basics of female sexuality?

Meston: Women’s sexuality is more complex than men’s. For example, women are more contextual than men—they are more easily distracted from sexual cues by what is going on in their environment—and this necessarily means that sexual desire is more multifaceted in women. Also, women are less connected with their genital cues than are men—when a man has an erection he generally feels sexually aroused and wants to have sex. Not so with women. Genital cues are often not noticed and, even when they are, they don’t necessarily make women want to have sex. That isn’t to say that men are so simple they have sex simply because they get an erection, but it does mean that women are, quite frankly, more complicated.

He'd been jackhammering away for what felt like hours. "You like that, baby? You like that?" he asked, though he didn't notice I wasn't answering. And then, somewhere around the 18th time he said it, it hit me -- I wasn't just having bad sex. I was having bad porn sex.

Unlike other recreational pleasures -- bowling, baking pies -- sex, unless you're a swinger, isn't something people get much firsthand observational experience with. Forget about getting real information from school about how awesome it’s supposed to feel. And the trainer from the gym isn’t going to stand by while you’re getting your freak on, telling you your form is off.  Hence the instructional uses of the erotic feature.

Though I didn't know it at the time, I was fantastically lucky to have had a childhood during which my mother and father never called my penis a "wee wee." Similarly, vaginas were never demeaned as "hoo-hoos," or breasts as "boobies." Sex organs, sex and sexuality were topics of discussion early and intentionally in my house, whether I liked it or not. And looking back, I think that directness served me well. Certainly, it was mortifying on a grand scale to hear from my dad, a bawdy, gregarious guy, that my life began in his testicles. But that humiliation felt worth it when I was the only boy at recess who could effectively call bullshit on the theory that a baby is made when a man pees onto a woman's crotch.

I’m as big a fan of self-love as a newly sexually-awakened postpubescent, but sometimes a couple digits just won’t do. That’s when I reach for my favorite vibrator made by Fun Factory, a German sex toy company. Before I came across their nifty invention, I’d tried a lot of toys that left me feeling dissatisfied, so I resorted to masturbation without technological enhancements. Though it’s cheaper and equally pleasurable (especially if you’re familiar with your own body and nimble with your fingers), masturbation alone can get boring and sex toys can add variety to the bedroom. Some women have a difficult time reaching orgasm and can get closer to their goal with the aid of a toy. For me, finding the right vibrator made me realize that sex toy shopping is a little bit like playing Goldilocks. You have to find the toy that’s juuuust right and there are a lot of factors that come into play!

A vibrator and a little “lubrication” guarantees a good time. Photo by Kamil Porembinski on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Quoted via North by Northwestern

Just like missionary in your bed can get boring, so can doggy style in Deering Field and reverse cowgirl on top of Tech. Well, maybe not, but some of you might want to mix things up in the bedroom, and what better way to experiment than with sex toys? Sex toys have become mainstream both for alone-time playing and for couples’ experimentation. Here are some fun ones that you might be able to convince your partner to try out next weekend.

Vibrators. You’ve all heard of vibrators. They’re pink and girly and just for girls to console themselves with when they’re single, right? Well, not so much anymore. Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes: there are clitoris vibrators, g-spot vibrators, dual action vibrators, no hands vibrators, plastic vibrators, silicone vibrators… you get the picture. But a new kind of vibrator has emerged. The Ohmibod vibrators are compatible with iPods and most mp3 players, and vibrate to the rhythm and intensity of the music. If you have trouble getting in synch with your partner, this is a fun way to get it on. more

British writer Linda Kelsey was surprised by a Manchester, England reaction to a proposed publication of an over-50s sex guide. She writes in the Daily Mail:

Sex over 50 is still taboo. The mere thought of older people having sex, let alone enjoying it, provokes tremors of disgust, ripples of embarrassment and hoots of derision.

When I think of words to describe the experience of sex, I am amazed to find so many that apply.

How about loving, tender, exciting, sensual, passionate, earth-moving, life-enhancing?

How also about angry, aggressive, depressing, manipulative, perfunctory, a chore, a bore?

And let's not forget funny, silly, noisy. Sex is nothing if not ridiculous at times.

It can make you feel great or ghastly or somewhere in between. And it can make you feel all of these things even with the same man, depending on your mood and the state of your relationship.

Sex, in other words, is a complicated business and sometimes it gets more, rather than less, complicated as you age. more reading

The other day a buddy of mine was making love to his new girlfriend when her iPhone beeped with an incoming text message. Like any guy, he hoped she would ignore the alert - or even fail to notice it altogether.

The opposite happened. The woman opened her eyes, grabbed the phone from the bedside table and read the message. She then typed out a short reply.

"To be fair, she apologized and suggested we go back to the sex," says my crestfallen friend. "But it was kind of a mood-killer."

Two conclusions can be drawn from an anecdote like this. The first is that my friend maybe needs to brush up on his sexual technique. The second is that his girlfriend's behavior reveals something alarming about the way we live nowadays. more